Kazuya's Presents
by UltraM2000
Summary: A quick one-shot thrown together to celebrate Minekura Kazuya's birthday. Definitely NOT to be taken seriously!
1. Part 1

Minekura Kazuya, creator of Gensoumaden Saiyuuki, turns a year older on Match 23rd! So do I, so happy birthday Minekura-sensei from a new fan in the Saiyuki fold!  
  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki not mine. Only using it for laughs today.  
  
KAZUYA'S PRESENTS  
  
One day  
Goku: Morning Sanzo. Morning Gojyo. Morning Hakkai.  
Sanzo: *grunt*  
Gojyo: Yo.  
Hakkai: Good morning, Goku. What's it going to be for breakfast?  
Goku: Nothing, thanks. I'm skipping lunch, too.  
  
DEAD SILENCE.  
  
Hakkai: What?! Skipping breakfast? AND lunch? Are you sick?  
Sanzo: *peeks over front page* Perhaps you've finally realised that you eat more in a day than we three eat in a week?  
Goku: I do? 83  
Sanzo: Hmph. *goes back to paper*  
Gojyo: Well, why ARE you skipping breakfast, then?  
Hakkai: AND lunch, for that matter?  
Goku: *grin* 'Cos I got invited to a party! We're all invited! Look what I found on my pillow this morning!  
Hakkai: A card?  
Gojyo: Lessee that. *snatch* 'The presence of Mssrs. Genjou Sanzou, Son Gokuu, Sa Gojyou and Cho Hakkai is cordially requested at the birthday dinner of Ms. Minekura Kazuya on the 23rd of March, 7.00 pm at...'  
Sanzo: Who's this Kazuya fella?  
Hakkai: Not a fella, a lady. The one who got us all started on this journey.  
Goku: She's one of the Sanbutsushin?  
Sanzo: NO. And anyway, we're not going. It's a waste of time.  
Hakkai: But it would be impolite to refuse such a nice invitation, Sanzo.  
Gojyo: I wonder if she invited any lady friends.  
Goku: I wonder if she'll have a biiiiiig birthday cake.  
Sanzo: I wonder if you all would like to know the business end of my Smith and Wesson. *silence* No? Good. I'm going to the john, but we leave in five minutes. To the West, not some stupid birthday party.  
Goku: Mou. Sanzo no kechibaka. *whispers* Hakkai, I wanna go to this party.  
Gojyo: Ore mo.  
Hakkai: Boku mo ikitai desu kedo...Well, it IS three against one.  
Goku: One scary, harisen-wielding, shoureijuu-shooting corrupt monk.  
Gojyo: Oh, to heck with Sanzo. We'll go. The only thing is, how will we get Sanzo out of his robes...INTO CIVILIAN DUDS, DAMMIT HAKKAI! Don't look at me like that!  
Hakkai: Sorry, your reputation precedes you.  
Goku: *snigger*  
Gojyo: Well, I'm not twisted in THAT direction. *several fangirls are heard sneezing* Listen, I have a plan...tell Hakuryuu... 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: Saiyuki not mine. Only using it for laughs today.  
  
KAZUYA'S PRESENTS  
  
Later...  
  
Goku: Sanzo, can't we go for the party?  
Sanzo: No.  
Goku: Pleeease?  
Sanzo: No.  
Goku: Pwetty pwease with sugar and harisens on top?  
Sanzo: No! NO! NO! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU YOU IDIOTIC BAKAZARU...! *whap whap whap whap*  
Goku: Hmph. Kechi. *nurses harisen bruises*  
Hakkai: Still lively, though he skipped breakfast AND lunch. O_^;;;  
Gojyo: Never knew the kid had it in him.  
Goku: *looks pleased*  
*kyuuu!!!*  
Sanzo: ?!!!!  
Goku: Oh. What is going on, I wonder, Hakkai.  
Hakkai: Dear, dear. It seems that Hakuryuu has gotten a flat. Now, what trouble this is turning out to be.  
Gojyo: Oh look, my friends. Is that not a house in the distance?  
Goku: Yes, it is. My, Gojyo, it seems we are all saved.  
Sanzo: Ch'. You lot are crappy actors. Let me see that invitation card! *scans the address* You fools, we're at Kazuya's house!  
Hakkai: Well, Hakuryuu has a flat. Maybe I'll see if I can borrow a jack.  
Sanzo: We have a perfectly *good* jack in the back. I saw Gojyo hitting Goku with it on Tuesday.  
Hakkai: Ah, so we do.  
Evil Voice (TM, henceforth EV): MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Sanzo: Who goes there? Gyuumaou?  
EV: No!  
Sanzo: Youkai?  
EV: Much worse!  
Sanzo: I don't like guessing games.  
EV: I know. I also know your height, weight, B-H-W measurements (you're bloody skinny), starsign and favourite soft drink. I also know that although you, Genjou Sanzou, are brave and wonderful (according to some individuals), there is only one thing you truly fear in this world! *lightning flashes*  
Sanzo: I said I hated the rain, not that I was scared of it.  
EV: I mean something else.  
Sanzo: *eyes widen* You mean...  
*rumble of noise*  
*growing louder*  
*and louder*  
*UNTIL*  
Sanzo: Oh. My. God.  
Gojyo: It's...  
Goku: Them! So many! We can't fight them all!  
Hakkai: Our worst enemies. Sanzo? Sanzo? You've gone all white. You ok?  
Sanzo: F-fuh-fa-FANGIRLS!!! *shrieks in a most un-sanzo-like way*  
Fangirls: *chanting* Sanzou-sama! Sanzou-sama! Must glomp Sanzou-sama!  
Sanzo: NO-HOOOOOOOOO! Don't touch me you rabid beasts! *gallops off towards Minekura's house*  
M2000/EV: Ah, that was fun.  
Hakkai: Thank you, ne, M2000-chan.  
M2000: *blush* Oh, anything for *you*, Hakkai-sama.  
Hakkai: Um, yes, all right. *gulp* ^___^;;;  
M2000: Hey, wait, I'm not finished yet, am I? You want him in civilian duds right? As in out of those robes?  
Gojyo: Yeah.  
M2000: Eww. Can you say E-T-C-H...OK, OK, Gojyo, put away the shakujou! I'm just kidding! I don't think you're a 'douseiai'!  
Gojyo: You'd better not, damnit.  
*far off sneezes of fangirls*  
Sanzo: NOOOOO! Fangirl cooties!!!  
H/Gj/M2k: *burst out laughing*  
Goku: Are cooties edible, guys??  
H/Gj/M2k: *laugh harder* 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: Saiyuki not mine. Only using it for laughs today.  
  
KAZUYA'S PRESENTS  
  
Sanzo: Turn to the left. Now quick, a sharp dash to the right. Up that tree. If there's one thing I know, it's how to a avoid a damn fangirl. Now I'll jump and make a break for the EEEEEEK!  
Fangirls below tree: A break for the eeek? Wassat?  
Sanzo: AAAGH! *scuttles up tree* H-H-HOW did you get here so quick?  
M2000: *produces quick, scratchy diagram* Distance run, 1.5 km. Displacement, Only 500 m from original spot.  
Sanzo: Just what I need, a Physics student.  
M2000: Sorry. *switches to Japanese* (But I think you'd better act, Sanzo! They wanna tear those robes offa you!)  
Sanzo: (Whyever the hell do they want this tablecloth?)  
M2000: (Fangirl mania. Like say, I'd want Hakkai's bandanna or monocle. Or even a strand of hair from Hakuryuu.)  
Sanzo: (Riiiiiiiight.)  
M2000: (Take off those robes, jump, and I'll get you to Kazuya's house.)  
Sanzo: (%#^@!+~'!!! Are you in on those idiots' plan too?)  
M2000: (Do you want to be glomped, Sanzo? By several thousand fangirls?)  
Sanzo: (Grrrrrr! NO! I'll stay up in this tree until you all go away!)  
M2000: (They're not going, Sanzo.)  
Fangirls: 'Sanzo-sama, come down! We don't mean any harm!' 'You know, I think we have to climb that tree.' 'How?' 'Mou, I wanna glomp him!'  
M2000: (See?) Eesh. What a tangled web. All right...SHOOWATCH!  
Fangirls: Shoowatch?  
M2000: You forget. I'm an Ultraman fan and so I possess some abilities of big red-and-silver. Hello Sanzo.  
Sanzo: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY TREE? AAAH! Don't touch my robe!  
M2000: Shoving it in your 'spandex space', damnit! And now I'm going to kick you down. Bye bye. *boot*  
Sanzo: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS BAKA ONNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
*BOING*  
Sanzo: *dimly thinking* Huh? 'Boing'?  
Fangirls: NOOOOOOO! COME BACK, SWEET BISHOUNEN!  
Sanzo: SWEET, MY *blip blip blippity blip blop*!!! M2000!  
M2000: Congratulations! You are the world's first flying Sanzo, courtesy of the Plot Device (TM). In this case, a super springy trampoline! And now for the fangirls.  
Fangirls: *snarling madly* We want our SANZO!  
M2000: Come closer and I start reading STRAIGHT HAKKAI FLUFF.  
Fangirls:*silence* Straight? Fluff? Not even Sanzo's? *all except one or two scuttle, moaning and retching*  
M2000: And as for you two...*whips out pocket recorder and starts playing a tape of Hakkai's theme*  
2 (? x )Hakkai(x ?) Fangirls: EEEEEEEEE!!! The song! The song! *thud* *plop*  
M2000: Not a bad days work, considering I only get chocolate cake for it. 


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: Saiyuki not mine. Only using it for laughs today.  
  
KAZUYA'S PRESENTS  
  
Sanzo: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH *crump*  
Gojyo: Damn it, monk, you're HEAVY!  
Sanzo: Let. ME. GO. I have enough trouble with fangirls as it is.  
Hakkai: Achoo! Oh dear, Sanzo, please don't look at me like that. There was dust in my nose.  
Sanzo: Whatever. Well, since we're here, let's get *glurk* *yaaaaaaargh*  
Gojyo: Eh? *eeek!*  
Hakkai: Uh oh. *yank*  
Goku: Are? Where'd everybody go? *oopf*  
  
Fat pudgy hands grab the ikkou by their collars and pull them into the house.  
  
Sanzo: THAT'S IT! WE'RE OFF COURSE, I'VE BEEN CHASED BY RABID FANGIRLS, BOINGED OFF A TRAMPOLINE INTO A KAPPA'S EMBRACE AND MY ROBE IS SHOVED INTO PLACES WHERE ROBES AND SUTRAS SHOULD NEVER BE SHOVED! WHO'S GOT THE DEATH WISH, EH?!!  
MK: Why me, Sanzo-kun.  
Sanzo: KUN?! (A/N: Sama, respectable. Kun, diminutive)  
Hakkai: Ah, you must be Minekura Kazuya.  
MK: Yup. Thanks for coming!  
Sanzo *coughcoercioncough*  
MK: In any case, you must be hungry. Come along, I'll introduce you to the other party guests.  
Gojyo: Any girls?  
MK: Sorry, not many. I'm a yaoi mangaka (artist), you know.  
Gojyo: Aw man...  
MK:...But I did get you lot some presents. Here, Gokkun (A/N: Goku-kun). This one's yours.  
Goku: Sankyuu na! Is it a nikuman?  
MK: Nope.  
Goku: Gyoza?  
MK: No.  
Goku: Konzen? _Now where'd THAT come from?_  
Sanzo: *swish thwack thwack with the harisen*  
MK:No. Later, you may open it. Gojyo-kun, this is yours.  
Gojyo: Not to quibble, but it's smaller than the saru's.  
Goku: *blppppprttth*!  
MK: But it's a little more expensive. After all, I like your style. (A/N: Saiyuki fanbook)  
Gojyo: HAH! *blppppprttth*!  
MK: And Hakkai-kun, this is yours.  
Hakkai: Why thank you! O_^  
MK: Don't mention. Sanzo-kun, this is yours. I heard you went through a lot of trouble getting here so you might appreciate this.  
Sanzo: Hmph. Well, it's the biggest box amongst the four...Might I open it?  
MK: If you wanna.  
Sanzo: *crunch crunch crinkle open* ...Are wa...  
MK: Don't you like it?  
Sanzo: O....shi...shou...sa...ma...*sniff*  
Goku: Sanzo? Wassat? *peeks into box*  
Sanzo: *growls* No! Leave it alone! *sniff* It's my precious...precious...  
LOTR Gollum: *waves tiny fist at line stealer and is hit in the head with a fish by a party guest*  
Sanzo: Minekura-san...Thank you. Maybe you're not so bad after all. *sniff*  
MK: Neither are you, Sanzo-kun. Now blow your nose. It's running.  
Sanzo: *claps hand over dribbly nose*  
MK: Now let's go. It's a wild, wild party in there... 


	5. Part 5

Disclaimer: Saiyuki not mine. Only using it for laughs today.  
  
KAZUYA'S PRESENTS  
  
Next day!  
  
Goku: *urrrrp*  
Gojyo: Damn, that was one swell party.  
Hakkai: Yes. I enjoyed it extremely.  
M2000: *munch munch* Ne, is this chocolate cake catered or did she make it? Kekkou umai. (It's pretty good)  
Hakkai: I don't know. She wouldn't say.  
M2000: Th'. Kechi.  
Sanzo: It sucked. Well and truly sucked.  
M2000: It sounded nice to me.  
Goku: Ano...something happened last night...  
Sanzo: *shoots Goku a Sanzo-sama Evil Eye (TM)*  
Goku: *oblivious* Y'see...we all got presents from Kazuya.  
M2000: But it was HER birthday, not yours.  
Gojyo: She dumped her junk on us, is all. Hmph.  
Hakkai: But Gojyo, you said you *liked* those earrings she gave you.  
Gojyo: Yeah. They're kinda cool, no?  
M2000: Very. You look like Kougaiji...with long crimson hair.  
Gojyo:...=_=  
Goku: Naa, look at my new kinko! *points to gleaming, brand-new retainer*  
M2000: How'd she get THAT on without getting turned into steak tartare?  
Hakkai: I helped?  
M2000: But but but...aw man. I wanted to see you go youkai.  
Hakkai: *reaches for limiters* I'd be happy to oblige you.  
Sanzo: No you don't. Not here.  
Hakkai: Well, all right. But I do like the monocle she gave me.  
M2000: Titanium frame. Silver-green. Light and stylish! You look cuter than ever! *gush*  
Hakkai: Mou...M2000-chan...*Gojyo and Goku give M2000 dubious looks*  
M2000: Anyway, what did Sanzo get?  
Hakkai: Um...well...  
M2000: Come on!  
Gojyo: Hmmm.  
M2000: Pleeeeease?  
Goku: Sanzo won't like it if we tell!  
M2000: Tell me or I'll release the fangirls again.  
Goku: Eep. *pales* Hassenapeej.  
M2000: Huh?!!!  
Gojyo: A nice-new-harisen-and-a-peach.  
Sanzo: Well...nobody gave me fresh peaches since shishou. And...she remembered my harisen was so worn from batting you guys on the head...she remembered...she *sniff*...SHE BLOODY FOOGING REMEMBERED!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE KNEW! BAAAAAAWWWWWL!!!  
Gk/Gj/H: And that is what happened yesterday.  
M2000: I do believe Sanzo's in LOVE.  
Sanzo: *boo-hoo* Shuddup, kay? Just...shud...up...*wail*  
M2000: Awwwwwwww, Sanzo. You need a good old-fashioned glomp.  
Sanzo: *pales* Glomp?  
M2000: Hey girls! Give Sanzo-sama a hug!  
Fangirls!: Sanzou-sama! Sanzou-sama! Must glomp Sanzou-sama!  
Sanzo: *goes deadly silent and reaches into his robes. A glint of metal is seen*  
  
BANG! BANG! BADOOM! FWADOOSH! DUT DUT DUT DUT! "NOT IN MY ROOM! NO SHOOTIE! NO SHOOTIE!" "Run!" "Eeee!" "Sanzou!" "Get off me, you rabid beast! Argh!" "Yare yare desu neeeeeeeeee!!!" "Namagusa bouzu...eeek!" "Goku, GET OUT FROM UNDER MY BED!"  
  
-end- 


End file.
